It is 3:47am, after being woken up by my biological urge to go to the bathroom I am kept awake by the biological warfare that is currently waging in my head. I am supposed to feel fortunate right now, I have left my former life of working for someone else and am now a full-time employee of both life on life’s terms and Wild Bull in a China Shop. This scenario, working for myself, is a long time dream come true, the ability to get up and start writing in the pre-dawn hours without stressing that I have to go to “work” is what I have longed for. Why then, I am wondering, does it not feel like that at the moment? Why is it that as I have moved my business and relationship from small town to big city that I feel more and more closed in upon, more panicked, more claustrophobic?
Side Note: My partner and I recently packed up shop and left Nantucket Island to find ourselves in South Philadelphia, a plan that we have been working toward for quite some time, a plan that in my mind I have developed quite a specific picture of how it all should be working.
Let’s just say that at the moment I am feeling particularly raw and vulnerable, so the fears that come up about life not painting itself out as I imagined have a particularly overwhelming power over me. In all my wonderful life practices I know in my heart that this too shall pass, however at now 3:59am, the power of doubt & fear reign supreme. I started writing because creatively that is what I know to do about train wreck emotional states; that in my deepest knowing I am clear are not reality but I can’t seem to escape. I am opening up my tool box big time this morning: write and pray and meditate and get mad at the universe that I still have room to grow and change, accept and let go, get scared & mad again and then take a deep breath, etc…
Aside from a wrath of thoughts and feelings, what came up for me as I tried to meditate my way back to sleep at about 3:00am, when I first realized this sleep/tired feeling was also going to pass, was the yogic concept of attachment and aversion. Intellectually, I can map these fears right to the fantasy I hold on to about how this whole move is “supposed” to work out and the panic that is created when I think about other not so pleasant alternatives.
I often find myself in the position of coaching others through these tricky times and here I am seeking the coaching. I searched for “attachment & aversion” and found the text below. These principles are embedded in my knowledge, my intellect, yet they are still feel fresh and newly practiced in my being. I think I want to be “good” at letting go, accepting the moment. I think I want to get an “A” in the subject. My intellect craves an end to the semster of practicing this way of life a check in the mastery column of spiritual contentment. My spirit on the other hand suspects that this is the curriculum for my current life and now at 4:15am I am simply annoyed by that!
Shared from: http://www.swamij.com/yoga-sutras-11216.htm